I love you much too much. I’ve known it from the start, but yet my love is such, I can’t control my heart. Alma Cogann
Have you ever heard someone say you love something or someone so much it hurts?! Well, it’s true. I’m not just talking about your first love, although I will say I can close my eyes today and actually feel the pain of the first person I really loved drive away and never come back again. No closure, no real explanation except that he fell for someone else. I knew in that moment I would never see him again and 10 years later it still stings. I am happily married today and therapy free for myself, no meds, just me and my strength. People may laugh at that because no, I wasn’t married and no I didn’t have kids, but love is love. And when that love breaks or is lost, your soul is left crushed. Your heart is so invested in something and when it’s ripped away from you, it can leave a mark. Thank you Howie for being my superman and meeting me at the perfect time. You put my heart back together.
Then I had kids and holy shit, love had a new meaning. They came into this world and healed my heart from anything I ever felt, but at the same time broke my heart again. A new fear overcame me. Before they were born I remember becoming so anxious; what if something happens to them at birth? Will they love me? Will I be a good enough mom? What if they get sick? What if I can’t help them? Then the question that every mom has, but won’t say out loud…what if they die? Social media and the news has destroyed us mamas. Google will be the death of me, especially when I was a new mom. I’ll never forget my first night home with Jules. I was in bed naked with her on my chest because I was too lazy to put clothes on since she lived on the boob. I broke down crying so much begging God to keep her safe and happy forever. I called my parents sobbing, thanking them and apologizing for anything and everything (hahaha). You lose a sense of control because you realize you are responsible for a little life for the rest of your life and theirs and then every thought comes into your head- those doubting questions that make you realize that love actually hurts. Loving someone and something so much can physically and emotionally make you sick. I’m not saying this is healthy, but my God the emotions are real, especially for someone like me who feels EVERY emotion out loud. Sensitivity is my super power.
I know a few mama’s that have lost their babies and children. This is my worst nightmare. Take me, but don’t ever take my babies, but I realize I have no control over any of that. Religious or not, only God knows our path. I can’t imagine how these broken mamas hearts are still beating after they lose a child. I suppose you have no choice but strength, but that physical pain and that emotional pain wears you down and a part of you dies forever. These are the mamas that deserve everything the world has to offer, but I wish more than anything they would feel whole again. I’m not just talking about children either, but a loved one, a parent, a pet, your best friend, family, etc. How do you go on living when you lose someone you love? Love is such a powerful and overwhelming emotion.
I’m not trying to sound morbid by any means, but I am so fascinated how the human heart works, especially now that I’m a mama. It’s like my heart changed- it’s armed and ready. It’s no longer about me, but them. I have learned that love itself does not hurt, but it’s the growth that hurts. Each transformation is painful because the old one is being left for a new one. Bittersweet is probably a better word. We wonder what will come next and since we have no idea what will come next, it scares us. What a weird feeling to close one chapter and realize we get to read another one with no table of contents.
I hate love and I love love. The more you have to love, the more you have to lose and I try everyday to enjoy every second, even the ones where we don’t sleep, even the ones I fight with my husband, even the ones I feel anxious and depressed, and even the ones that just downright suck. Life is a tricky son of a bitch and if we don’t train our minds to try to savor the moments and live in the present with positivity, life will end up passing us by so quickly we will be begging for these moments back. This is why I talk so much about self-care and filling your gas tank with love and positive things so you can be the best version of you!
This blog isn’t supposed to be about heartbreak, but about love and life; loving and living. Ever since having kids, I gained much more patience and a deeper love for the simple things in life. I don’t need anything extravagant, but time and memories. Breathe in the moments. Put on your headphones and listen to your favorite music, do your favorite thing, thank God, breath in the moment. This if for all the mamas who have lost, the friends who have lost, anyone who has suffered a loss and felt that overwhelming pain that love comes with, but also the really good feels of love- YOU got this. Don’t be afraid of love. Love all the way. Love so big. Angels are all around.