Babies, Toddlers, breastfeeding, family, life, love, motherhood, nursing, parenting, self care, surviving motherhood, toddlerhood

I haven’t been out in 4 years

Ok ok, I’ve gone out, but I haven’t been overnight anywhere, haven’t gone on a vacation- which is totally expected with 2 toddlers, and really haven’t gone anywhere for more than 4-5 hours?

I’m tired. I need to fill my bucket a little more than once a month, if that. And I don’t mean leave to teach a Zumba class or run 8 miles on my Dreadmill with both kids serving me “ice cream” and crying for me to hold them.

I mean – go out to dinner with my husband, flirt, stuff my face, and drink a damn sangria. I mean having a date night once a week- even if it means going to Starbucks and reading or sitting in our car to talk without daddy daddy mommy daddy mommy mommy. I mean having a girls weekend and sleep overnight just one night, because I might actually be sad leaving for 2 nights. Or a night away with my husband- heck, I’ll even take a night away alone in a hotel room with a king size bed, room service and a bottle of wine- not See how motherhood can eff you up?! You put them to sleep and it takes 7 hours just to get them to go to sleep and then you freaking miss them! You want to go on a vacation but you can’t leave for more than a night because you would miss the boogies outta them!

My days and weekends are so planned and so booked that there’s no room for spontaneity anymore. My husband has a constant need to be the man of the house, rightfully so, but he feels like he’s chasing his tail as well. How can we make more money for the family? How can we save money?! Well you’d think we would be good in that category since we don’t go out or really do anything anymore- but daycare costs is $22,000 a year! Diapers, food, and a babysitter these days costs more than a dinner date.

I would love to have a date night with my husband once a week. That’s our goal but we don’t have much help around here. Our families all work and my parents live an hour and a half away. They visit every single Sunday but Howie usually works or does his own thing and I want to spend time with my parents.

Then we are back to Monday to do the whole week long dance- get the kids ready for daycare (which is similar to giving 4 pigs a bath), go to work, sometimes teach Zumba, run, and then start the night routine- which again is now like feeding 6 pigs.

Like I’ve said before in several previous posts, this season shall pass. I don’t want it to, but I do want it to to get some of me back. I love me with them. I really do. But that doesn’t take away the fact that I am tired and burnt out and I just want to go out without feeling guilty.

It’s always the men who get to leave and go out. “The baby needs your boob. The kids are attached to you. You were meant to do this.” Yeah, it’s all true, but right from when they are born we are forever changed, especially if you are nursing. We are marked a new territory- theirs. I want to be theirs and I want them to be mine forever and someday I will find a balance.

I will be posting a nursing blog soon because I am closing my boobs soon. They will no longer be in business ever again and it is killing me. This goes along with going out and going away overnight. But that subject deserves its own post.

To all the mamas who love and hate that they can’t ever go out, just know it’s normal. It’s motherhood- all the bad, good, messy, amazing, emotional, loving, unconditional, sleepless, sick, magical, stressful, anxious, blessed, happy, and sad moments. Feel them all!

It’s a rollercoaster and I wouldn’t trade it. This is my journey.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s