Not just because Hudson is 2, but everything this week seems extra sensitive for me. I’m in a good place in my life mentally but every so often my emotional bank is robbed and I feel every emotion all at once. I’m sad because my kids are getting older, happy to watch them grow, anxious because of money, annoyed at my husband, overwhelmingly in love and annoyed with my kids, I want a third baby, no I don’t, exhausted, drained, energetic, restless, I want to be a stay at home, NO way I could never be a stay at home mom, I hate my job, I love my job, I want wine and chocolate, I need to do laundry blah blah the list goes on. My head doesn’t stop.
Then we went to Hudson’s 2 year check up- well just him and I because Howie had to work. He’s a peanut and we all knew that, but when that doctor came in to tell me he needs extensive blood work to see if he has a growth deficiency my heart sank. Yes, there are wayyyy worse things but in that moment I immediately thought of them holding him down for blood work and him being 5 feet for the rest of his life while everyone makes fun of him. Do you know that pediatricians take the height of your 2 year old and double it to project their final height? Seriously, the dude is projected to be 5 feet tall. That’s no bueno. He’s gonna be me but with a weird man voice and a few idiopathic short statured friends- that’s what they call kids that don’t even make the growth charts because they are so short. Ok ok, I’m exaggerating and I truly don’t mean to offend anyone with the fact that I’m so upset about his projected height. It’s way more than that. With being short, it comes with potential underlying conditions such as growth deficiency or under active thyroid. It can also be caused by genetic conditions. The doctor wants to rule out any underlying medical conditions that may be contributing to his short stature. Of course now everyone thinks he’s not eating enough, does breastfeeding stunt his growth, etc. No to any of the above. I am in the midst of doing research on this lovely topic, but I do know this isn’t caused by bad parenting, malnourishment, or breastfeeding. Once we do the blood work, in hopes that there are no major health complications stunting his growth, she will refer us to an endocrinologist at a local children’s hospital to see what our next steps are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for him being short AND healthy. I’m not all for medical conditions that stunt his growth and will effect him long term. I am trying to research growth hormones and long-term effects or reasons why toddlers would need them. Feelin’ all those feels.
Today, on his 2nd birthday, I went to bring him to a lab to do blood work. They don’t specialize in children, however they have a pretty good reputation. It wasn’t a great idea because my two-year-old fought it hard. They poked and prodded, I sweat all over the chair, and we both cried. He screamed and tried to rip the butterfly out of his arm while I was holding his little arms with all my might. It was literal torture. I felt like the worst mom in the world because what Mom takes their 2 year old to get blood work on their birthday. He is the sweetest, squishiest, cutest little boy. Lately he’s a big mama’s boy and only wants me so when I had to be the one holding him down while they tried to find a vein, my heart broke and I started to sob. Usually I can handle this stuff, especially because I think about all the little babes who have had cancer and need blood work on a daily basis or the moms who have lost their kids to evil diseases. In the long run, we will be fine I pray. I’m savoring every single moment. I’m savoring all of these moments. For the love of God, I don’t want awkward teenagers who hate me. I want these moments where they love me so much- where I love them so much it hurts. I will miss this.
Even on my bad days, my kids love me. They think sun shines out of my ass. They don’t judge me when I’m half naked trying to pee and brush my teeth. When I cry, Jules will hug me, hold my face and tell me it’s gonna be okay. Makes me feel like I did something right. Hudson loves to nestle up on my stomach and giggle. Or he will play with my hair as he nurses. Jules will sometimes play with my hair when she tells me a story that she thinks is the best thing in the world. Feelin’ those feels.
Being a mom and having my heart can often overwhelm me. I feel a million things all at once and sometimes I need reeling back in. Bless my husband, but he has no idea how. Instead of nurture me or love on my sensitivity, he gets all military on me and can’t bring himself to understand. Then I get more emotional and defensive- probably like most moms get. It’s okay to feel the emotions and cry. I’ve allowed my heart to feel it. But this side of me sometimes gets me in a rut.
We try to raise our kids in a safe and happy environment to teach them how to be independent and navigate the trenches of life. Then time flies in an evil way and we wake up and they don’t need us anymore. I swear it’s starting earlier and earlier. Being a teacher I see how fast kids grow up and sometimes it ain’t pretty. I’m sad tonight because Hudson, my last baby (I think) is gonna be 2. I’m still nursing my 2 year old because I’m that time, it’s just him and I. It’s quiet, comforting, safe, peaceful. That’s where my blogs happen. I find myself wishing away days because of work and all the baggage in between, but in reality if I could lock myself in their room – just the 3 of us, I would. No real life, no work, no drama, no anxiety- just us and the moments.
I could have called this post happy birthday, but since I’m currently nursing my son who was poked and prodded several times on his 2nd birthday while he twirls my hair, I’m crying and praying that time could freeze, feeling all the feels seems fitting.
Mamas, we got this. Allow yourself to feel those feelings and work through them. Not everyone will understand. Don’t repress them. Let it out and let your kids see you be human. I yell, scream, lose my shit, feel jealous, cry, but I also feel happy- butterfly happy, excited, so much love it hurts in a good way, and joyful to the millionth degree. Feel the feels.