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Death

The topic of death scares the crap out of me. I’m not so afraid to die, although I have so many questions about what happens after. I’m more afraid of losing the ones around me forever. And I understand the Bible and how it talks about having an afterlife but I also just don’t know. We can read every scripture in every book but no one is alive to talk about what heaven actually looks like. Do we get to meet our family up there? Do we get to reunite with them? Are there houses and trees? Is it another earth? I think like everybody the fear of unknown is very great. I understand that death is a part of life. I also understand that life is part of death. And when you have so many amazing things in your life that you love, you feel like you have more to lose.

I am so afraid of the pain that accompanies death. Just recently I watched a friend that I went to college with who is the love of her life die. She was with him since she was 13 years old, married him, divorced him, and remained best friends. He drove into a building and killed himself, but I think it was an accident. I have not talked to her in a very long time but I’ve followed her journey on social media and I’m trying to put the pieces together. All I know is that she is devastated because the love of her life is gone from this Earth forever. He was her person. You don’t have to be married to have a person: She will never see him alive again on this Earth and this triggered me so so much. I’ve heard people talk about reuniting with your loved ones after you die but then does that mean that people just want to die so that they can go to heaven? I also I have a friend I went to high school with who recently lost both her babies. They are the same ages of my kids. How is that fair?! How does God know when it’s your turn? Do the babies stay babies in heaven or do they grow up? Do the people we love wait for us?

I try so hard not to live my life in fear. I don’t constantly think about it but there are times that it overwhelms my mind, especially if someone I know and love passes away. When my grandmother passed away at 66 years old it was the first experience of death that I endured. I watched my mom become depressed for many years. I watched my grandfather try to dig up the grave because he missed her so much. They had the love story I pray for. Fast forward 15 years and my grandfather passed away- even after he had a suicide note after she died stating he would rather be with his beautiful bride. God that killed me. I know that they are together in heaven but how did they find each other? How do people love so deeply and so hard and then lose them forever? I can’t understand how someone can be here physically and then just not at all.

My biggest fear is car accidents. Fatals. Suffering. I can’t fathom the pain. I can’t go there in my head because I am so scared. I’m so scared to die and get lost. I’m scared my kids will hurt. I’m scared my husband will get lost. I’m scared to lose my kids. I’m the most scared of that. Will they cry for me or remember me? What will they remember? Morbid yes.

There’s no solution to the fear. I think more people need to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it all the time but God I just feel like I need some reassurance. I wish we could just see a quick picture of what it looks like or we could talk to somebody who actually died. Or maybe we can take a field trip there real quick just to prep us. I mean we live on this chaotic Earth for however long with the most amazing things, but also so much suffering. Don’t we deserve that? For the record, I believe in God 100%, but I’m just so scared of death and the pain that comes along with it. 

I’m sorry I just had to vent this overwhelming thought. It’s morbid and probably creepy but you can’t tell me you haven’t thought about this before. 🤷🏼‍♀️🌙

Also disclaimer: I try to live my life like I could die tomorrow. Ask yourself if you are too ❤️

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