My daughter is everything I hate about me. I know that sounds horrible. I feel horrible writing it, but God it hits me hard. She’s stubborn. I’m stubborn. She’s OCD and gets stuck- just like me on a bad day. She’s cranky as ever- so am I on a bad day. Sometimes she’s a bully- I was in kindergarten. Believe it or not I told a girl I would tell on her if she didn’t give me her lunch. She melts down when she’s tired- I wish I could melt down when I’m tired. She has trouble navigating the world and all the energies that come with it. So do I. She bites her nails and looks like she has a lot of anxiety- this makes me so sad because anxiety as an adult can be crippling. Depression is feeling nothing. Anxiety is feeling everything. And when you feel both, it’s a lot. I’m not saying I’m depressed but I go through bouts- like most of us and I pray she doesn’t feel that much at once. Dear God, please give Juliana the tools to navigate this world full of enemies. I know it’s not 100% full of enemies, but lately I feel like there’s more enemies than not- I don’t necessarily mean enemy as a physical being- it could mean battling yourself, your own insecurities, battling the current of life, feeling like you’re not enough, taking on the weight of the world, etc. I know I’m jumping to conclusions and she’s only 4, but if this is a preview of her life to come, then watch out world.
I love her heart, I love her soul, I love her determination and I love her drive. But there are times I want to run away. I don’t want to go anywhere with her because I’m afraid of the meltdown. The intensity can get real. And being at the job I’m at, I have slight PTSD- aka diagnosing her with everything under the DSM. She feels a lot. She’s a feeler, as am I. She gets hit with a million emotions at once and when she does, watch out. I just want to protect her from all the emotions, the energies and the meltdowns but I realize I can’t. I have to let her navigate alone.
She can do this. I can do this. She’s my spirit animal. She’s me. We will get through this together.
This picture was taken right in the middle of a tough day. #allthefeels