Is he breathing?

That’s all I want to know. These moments of black in between the gloriousness of motherhood. They talk about how amazing motherhood is- the unconditional love, the silly stages, the spontaneous kisses, the cuddles, etc. They don’t talk a lot about the in betweens- well, besides the 3am wake ups and the occasional colds…Those are worth it.

It was a normal Monday morning. I was downstairs teaching my China kids and then running. Usually I’m upstairs before the kids wake up, especially on days that Howie is at the firehouse. Howie heard Hudson in the crib whimpering a bit- usually he asks, “Where mommy go? Mommy race? Where Nani go? Nani sleep?” He didn’t have his normal energy, but we thought he was still tired and trying to wake up.

Last night we had a little Super Bowl party at Nana and Papa’s house. The kids played and ate and played and ate. Of course because he’s an active toddler, he didn’t eat as much as I wished. He picked at crackers and cheese and ravioli and bread, etc. Even then, in the words of the doctors, they aren’t as worried if they don’t eat as they would be if they don’t drink. I’m not even ashamed to admit either that I’m still nursing at night. It’s not in place of meals or supposed to act as nutrients. It’s simply soothing slash survival. And I secretly love it.

We had our nursing sesh before bed and then he woke up at 5am crying and I had to get up anyways. Naturally I wanted him to sleep a little longer so I popped him on, cuddled him silly and put him back to sleep.

Monday morning- Howie sat him on the couch and turned Blippi on, our normal morning routine. When I came upstairs, Hudson didn’t seemed phased. He was staring off, drooling a little bit and pale as a ghost. Howie said he was acting a little weird but was just quieter than normal. When he wouldn’t interact with me or look at me, Howie yelled for me to pick him up. And when I did, my heart actually fell out of my body and broke into tiny pieces. Hudson went limp like a rag doll and passed out, unconscious, eyes rolled, not responding. I was screaming and crying, slapping his back, trying to touch his eye lashes. Anything. Please be alive. How is this happening? What is happening. Please God, don’t do this right now. Before I could even yell for Howie to call 911, he was already on the phone. Howie’s an EMT and I like to think of myself as calm and a leader in these situations, but all of that went out the window with my own child. At this point, I had no idea if he was breathing and all I could think of was- I need to shower. What the hell? Why was I thinking this? I was soaked in sweat and I knew we would be at the hospital all day. His little limp body passed out on my body is enough to kill me. I could feel his breath but his lips were a pale blue. Did he have a stomach bug? Did he have the flu? Why isn’t he answering me? Is he breathing?

The ambulance came for what seemed to be an eternity. Side note- we love in cow town so it takes longer. They put him on his back and his eyes opened. Hudson was scanning the room, but still not talking. They hooked him up to wires. Side side note- when I felt his breath, we put 911 on speaker and Howie held Hudson as I literally sat in my sink hyperventilating trying to wash off the sweat quickly and get dressed, pack diapers and pack a cup for him. Side side side note- Poor Jules was here the entire time, sitting and eating, watching Blippi.

I rode in the ambulance with my little warrior. He didn’t talk at all, but at this point he was alert and oriented. The medics told me he most likely had a seizure during the event. At this point I still didn’t know that his blood sugar was so low. He ate last night, nursed that morning and slept great. I couldn’t put thoughts together, but all I knew was that he was awake and holding my hand.

The amazing doctors knew to check his blood sugars right Away- 43. 48. 45. Very low. But why? That is the million dollar question. The night before he didn’t even present with a cold, no fever. Had a weird low grade fever that morning, but tested negative for the flu. After he ate and ate and ate- his numbers went right back up. They poked and prodded with ekgs, IVs, wires, pricks, etc. He was a damn warrior. He was holding onto me for dear life. I will never forget laying in that hospital bed with him cuddling him so tight. His little bare body all hooked up telling me I can’t get up to pee.

Endocrinology met with us (hours and hours later). They explained that ear infections don’t usually cause this. He might have a metabolic disorder. Maybe he has Type o Diabetes. Maybe he has a growth hormone deficiency. She asked if he got into a cabinet and took a diabetes medication. All I could hear was blah blah blah. Now I understand that this could have been worse. I know people have gone through way worse. This was my worst. I don’t want a different worst. I don’t want this worst. I want answers. I want to know it won’t happen again. I want to know what I can do to prevent it. I want to get the vision of him like that to go away.

What next? Good question. We prick his little toe morning and night and send to the children’s endocrinologist. We meet with the endocrinologist on my birthday next month. We monitor, watch and prepare. We stock our house with Gatorade and we do everything we were doing before.

To all those mommas who experience those black moments in between the gloriousness of motherhood, this too shall pass. Hug your babies. Never those glorious moments slip away because you’re too busy. Anything could happen. And I know in the big picture this wasn’t life threatening. It was a scare and we will continue to wait for test results and pray this won’t happen again.

Special thank you to Renee (I know you’re reading this). Thanks for getting Jules, crying with me, hugging me in that black moment and taking the day off of work to be with Juliana. I love you sister.

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