emotion, faith, family, life, love, motherhood, Uncategorized

February sucks

Posting now, spell check later.

I hate February. With a passion this year. I really wanted 2020 to start off with a bang and that it did. In the beginning of February we had a big scare with Hudson. Update: he’s doing great. We have been pricking his toe every morning and night to get blood glucose levels and ketones to see if there is any trend. I speak with the hospital weekly to give them Hudson’s numbers and we plan to meet beginning of March. After that whole event, he ended up getting an ear infection a week later. It was so bad that the 2 antibiotics they previously prescribed weren’t working and it sucks that he’s allergic to Amoxicillin- or so we think. Add that to the calendar- see an allergist in March to see for sure because apparently that’s the best antibiotic for ear infections. Anyways, he wasn’t sleeping, crust was coming out of his eyes and life sucked for him. Poor kid was getting poked and pricked and he didn’t fell well at all. Yes, I’m still nursing my almost 3 year old, which I never ever thought I would do, but when you’re in survival mode- aka home most nights alone, juggling 2 kids, trying to get enough blood from a baby toe for 2 machines, make dinner, do baths, and get them to bed on time to teach China?! Yeah, no thanks. I don’t need judgment. Just a mom over here doing the best she can realizing that this season of life has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my kids. People keep yelling at me to rest, rest, rest. Not quite sure how to yet with 2 active toddlers fighting over me at bedtime praying they will go to sleep and not wake up – but bedtime is a damn process at our house.

Ear infection continued. We went back to the doctor (this was a week and a few days after the hospital). They recommended an antibiotic injection 3 days in a freaking row in his little cute leg!! They said it was a painful thick and long shot and it’s their last resort but considering his ear was leaking and they told us his ear drum could burst, I agreed and held my poor helpless already a pro at needle boy. He took it like a champ but every time we went back he said- no shots mama. Broke my heart. Yes I know it’s not big in the grand scheme of life. But I hurt when my kids hurt. We went to the doctor 4 days in a row- hey $60. If the ear infection didn’t go away, ENT was next. By the grace of God, Hudson’s ear infection was gone by the 4th day. Now every time we drive by the doctor he says, hi shots! I just can’t.

A few days later, Howie and I started feeling sick. My immune system is usually like a bull but I’ve been in a cesspool of sickness everywhere I go. We both got full on colds, coughs, sore throats. And when I feel like shit I can’t give anything else. And to be in my shoes you can’t get tired and you can’t stop. I run 30 miles a week, teach China to keep afloat and pay debt, etc., work my regular fill time job, and most importantly I’m a mom. Oh and I like to think I manage my husband- who might be worse than me when it comes to go go go. It’s safe to say we feel the weight of world everyday. If we didn’t do what we did, we wouldn’t be sitting down resting, not at our house. I really do love the life we created. It’s just… busy and this month reminded me of that more than ever.

I’m not saying busy sucks, this month kind of busy sucks!! Howie and I were knocked down hard- me more than him. I battled this for 2 weeks and I’m still battling it as I write this post. I took about 8 sick days just this month and most were for my kids. In the midst of it, Jules got an ear infection, but that cleared up quickly- thank you God. I went on z pack and felt a temporary relief- even managed to run 30 miles in the week and not have to cancel China or Zumba. 2 days later, I went down. I went for bloodwork and realized the prescribing doctor needed 10 vials of blood. Yup, 10. For the record, I weigh 107 lbs. I can’t even donate blood and they needed to take 10 vials. I felt more stuffed up that morning than any other and I didn’t sleep much because of it. Plus Juliana spiked a fever and was home for 2 days sick. We. Can’t. Catch. A. Break.

The perfect storm. I consider myself a professional faster. I’ve been intermittent fasting for 2 years religiously. I went for bloodwork early, after about 4 hours of sleep, wicked stuffed up, tried to down water but Hudson sucked me dry about 530am. Survival. Nurse or wake up at 5am. No thanks. I downed 2 bottles of water and put my game face on. I don’t mind blood at all. In fact, I watch them get the vein. The first vein was too dry and the second worked, but was slow. The lady at Quest was nice and we were having a full out conversation about my job and her life. 8th vial in… I was gone. Completely blacked out, asleep. At this point I didn’t even hear voices, but I saw my Gramps. I literally saw him standing there in a blue shirt and a mask. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve passed out quite a few times in my life since I have a condition called vasovagalsyncopee. This was different. I was completely gone. I don’t know how to got to the floor, but I remember begging the lady to put my feet up. The poor lady was crying and screaming calling 911. I kept going in and out trying to beg for water. The ambulance came and swept me away. After an IV and confirmation I wasn’t dying since my heart rate was 44 and my BP was 96/54, I started to regain myself. I was soooo out of energy and my tired body was shaking because I was so cold. I don’t remember how to iv got into wrist and I don’t remember how I got into the ambulance. Yes, I eat. Yes, I run so my heart rate is naturally low. No I’m not an anorexic teenager. I’m a 34 year old mom who should have never had no more than 5 vials taken. No, I don’t slow down. Epiphany. Call it what you want. I don’t stop. This is what it feels to feel completely drained and empty. The poor Quest lady was crying like she’s never seen anyone pass out. She called Howie who felt helpless because he was home with 2 sick kids. Side note- being on a stretcher feels demeaning. When I got to the hospital alone half naked with a heart monitor freezing I just broke down crying. Oh and I was diagnosed with the flu- explains why I’ve been so sick for the past 2 weeks. I want to run away to a warm place where I don’t have to work weird hours to get money or where my kids aren’t fighting over me like candy, or where I can lay in my bed for a whole hour and watch the bachelor. Where my mind is free of thoughts that paralyze me. Where I don’t hear screaming and crying and feel sick.

Ok, I’m overreacting a bit. I write this blog because burn out is real. At this moment, I still have a horrible cough and bloodshot eyes, both kids have runny noses and aren’t sleeping- waking up all hours of the night, and Howie and I are maybe sleeping for 5 hours a night.

This month has sucked. It’s inevitable. It was the absolute perfect storm. In a way, it has brought us closer together. Forced us to rest and take time to recover. Recovery looks a little different today than it did before kids, but God it is so worth it. I learned not to overbook myself and cram too much on my plate. If I can’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of anyone else and I believe that God’s plan for me is to take care of others. These hard seasons, these sucky months allow us to feel the sunshine and happiness of the good times.

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