Love is big

When you love someone so much it actually hurts sometimes. It can be hard to feel it all- the good because you never want it to end – and the bad because it does. Good because it lights your soul on fire. Bad because you actually feel like you are in a fire.

When you love hard, you can fall hard. When we take our innate wall down and let people in we more vulnerable and open ourselves up to hurt. It doesn’t mean that we will end up hurt but God when it happens it feels like the world ends. And most likely you will never forget they pain…it’s crazy because we go through life self doubting, right? Am I enough? Do they love me the way I want to be loved? Blah blah… and then we hear all these compliments and have these amazing times that make our love grow. And then something happens and we are broken. Instead of remembering the times we felt the most loved, we remember the times we were broken… by the ones we felt most loved by.

Love is such a big word. We love our kids, our dogs, our significant other. We love ourselves, we love our jobs. It’s such a concrete and undefinable word. It’s intangible and immeasurable. It’s I describable and consuming. It builds us up and breaks us down. It brings us to life and destroys us.

For example your first love… you’ll never forget I am sure. You are infatuated, most likely young, and so in love you feel like that person is now part of who you are. I remember by first love in high school and I thought I could marry him right then and there. And then I met my second love- but realized he was my first true love. The one that awoken my soul. That part of my life was like a damn scene from a love movie. We played football in the rain. I was a cheerleader and he was a football player. We were inseparable best friends first and he was in love with his high school sweetheart. We ended up falling in love so hard that we couldn’t be without each other. We hand wrote each other notes everyday and spent every moment we could with each other. We snuck into the showers (sorry mom) and kissed and cried together. He asked me to marry him everyday and I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. Granted we didn’t have kids or real life responsibilities but I did believe in us so much- more than myself. I would have died for him. It was the kind of love you read about. I truly feel as if I found myself during this season of my life. I was lucky enough to even experience this kind of love in my life but of course there’s always a turn. I was cheated on and felt like I deserved it. Here I am 15 years later and I can still feel like pang of hurt deep down in my soul because I haven’t felt that way ever again.

I have 2 kids- my third love. This is real love- more than I ever thought could consume my body. It’s a different kind of love. It’s not romantic but it’s real and raw and natural. It tells a story and it makes me feel whole. When I had my first I was petrified. My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship at all- in fact I felt empty growing up but now I have the best relationship ever and I believe God answered my prayers. I was afraid Jules and I wouldn’t bond. God was I wrong. She’s my little sensitive empath Angel. Then I got pregnant with my second and was a disaster wondering if I could ever love anyone else. You see, when you love so hard you wonder how you could possibly love someone else at the same time- kind of like a relationship, right?! Love is sooo weird. It owns you and wraps it’s little fucking claws around your heart and swallows you whole. The love for my kids feels like the sky with endless stars. I can’t fathom when they are hurt or are crying. I can’t stand the thought of someone being mean to them or them having to feel an ounce of some of the big feelings I feel. It’s an indescribable feeling that changes who you are in a way that gives you purpose. And you pray so hard everyday that nothing bad happens to them and God will protect them with his big umbrella through this crazy life they are about to endure. Sometimes you love them sooooo hard that it physically and emotionally hurts your body.

We love our pets but know they can’t last forever and can’t fathom losing them. They bring us comfort and joy and peace and we can’t imagine our lives before them or without them. They are our family and I swear they know all our feelings and how much we love them.

I have a college friend who I wish I stayed connected to but her first love and best friend who she ended up marrying and then divorcing just died last year. I don’t know the whole story about why they were divorced but I always follow them on social media because I love their love, even after the divorce. I saw her break and I can feel her hurt. I see her posts and pictures and how much she loved him and it scares me. I don’t want to lose the people I love… ever. This isn’t supposed to be a solemn post but do you see how powerful love just is?

Sometimes I wish there was a pill to stop you from loving. To stop you from hurting. To stop you from feeling every single feeling life has to offer. It’s like a goddamn menu of feelings being shoved in your face telling you that you have to feel all of these feelings in your life. It ain’t gonna be pretty so get ready.

Love is both amazing and crippling at the same time but don’t be afraid of it. Let it in because you’re worth it.

Here’s the last thing I’ll cheers to love. It comes in all different shapes, sizes, forms, languages, meanings. Everyone loves different and everyone requires their own kind of love. I bet you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned my husband. When I first met him after I was completely and utterly broken- feeling like an ugly failure because “he” chose someone else and I was younger, I closed my heart and wouldn’t let anyone in. I stopped believing that kind of love could exist because it is rare I have learned. Howie admitted he couldn’t give that to me right did the bat and also admitted he was never in real love ever before. He didn’t know what it really meant, but he knew what he wanted. It took a long time for our relationship to progress, even while I was in therapy to become “unbroken.” He waited for me and tried to help fix me in his own ways. We didn’t play football in the rain or hold hands in every store- in fact I remember wanting to go for a walk in the snow on New Years and he wouldn’t go and I cried thinking I can’t do this relationship (I laugh now), but shame on me for comparing it so hard to my second love. Howie was patient and kind and saw me at my worst. He made me feel like I was enough. I will admit our souls aren’t always aligned and we are the “classically consumed” mom and dad, but he loves me the best way he knows how. He’s not a hopeless romantic and would rather spend time with metal and fenders. I’m a hopeless romantic who prays for that damn fairy tale love one day but I have learned that we all love different #lovelanguages. He isn’t a peaceful parent but he’s not a mean parent. He’s ambitious and composed. I’m for the peaceful parent talk it out and make sure they feel loved every second even when I’m mad. I lose my shit and get overwhelmed easily. I’m ambitious and never composed. I love our love story and how we balance each other perfectly. His definition of love is way different than mine and that’s okay. That is something we have both learned and I love him so much for that. We have real life responsibilities and kids and jobs and we are trying to stay afloat together. His love language is different than mine and we may disagree on things but he loves me and our kids the best way he knows how. Love is balance. It’s kind and peaceful. It’s harmony. It’s fighting to realize you’re actually on the same page. It’s harder than anything in the world and takes work from 2 people when it’s the romantic love. It’s connection and togetherness. It’s being on the same team and trying to understand the other persons feelings. It’s building each other up and checking up on them. It’s listening to each other and never judging them. It’s a safe place to be you. It’s a safe place to unload without being criticized. It’s understanding your love language. It’s communication and trust. It’s unconditional.

Without love, we are nothing. Love yourself first- with all your heart. Write down all the things you love about you and don’t let the fear of being hurt stop you. Don’t let the love for others define you. Love of anything or someone is the foundation of who we are. But first, love yourself.

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