These are the days that everyone wants to remember. The days where our kids are so innocent. Where they whole-heartedly believe in Santa and think they hear his sleigh. The magic in their eyes break and make my heart over and over again. I couldn’t sleep last night (Christmas Eve) because I was so excited to be with my little family and see their little faces light up when they saw the presents under the tree. I feel so blessed that we created these magical, innocent, pure and loving hearts that I’m so scared will become scarred in this chaotic and scary world. I wanted today, however tired I was, to last forever. The night before I slept 4.5 hours and lately I haven’t been sleeping at all- #covid, work, thoughts, can’t get comfortable, etc. This entire year has sucked every ounce of energy I have ever had, made me see clearer, made me cry and laugh more, and spend way more money on amazon. It’s what it is and with all the quarantining, wondering if we have covid, not being able to see my own family/ them being afraid to see us, but working at school and seeing my co- workers more than my family has sucked. But God had a plan. I slowed down. My family slowed down. And all that chaos was worth it today. My kids were so grateful, looking up to the sky thanking God and Santa (I told them they are best friends).
I sat there watching Howie tirelessly put together a big car table for Hudson while Jules played with her new Barbies and double stroller singing Christmas songs. I didn’t feel rushed to go work out, teach China, break my fast- any of those autopilot to do’s. I felt so present that it tugged so hard on my soul. I need more days like this, not just Christmas. Covid will not take that away from us.
The thing I am most proud of this year is letting the fear go. Letting that shit go. I could live in fear hiding in my house afraid to go anywhere and only shop online, etc. I could be so afraid to get it or give it that I could actually get myself sick. I actually think working and maintaining a somewhat “normal” schedule pre-Covid has helped that fear and anxiety.
I’m stopping and working through the rushing. I am more present for my kids and appreciating togetherness and what it once was- with everyone in my kitchen drinking wine and dancing to Christmas rap. With all my angels who are now in heaven. They would have loved to have seen Jules and Hudsie today.
When Hudson yelled “I love this” and Jules squealed like a happy Peppa Pig and then came running full force to hug us- God I just cried in her arms. She asked me why I was so sad and I tried to explain to her these were happy and joyous tears. I don’t want these moments to ever end. With each year that passes by a little more innocence is taken- thanks to school and society. And that breaks my heart. But then they are fighting over me at night and holding my hand or randomly kissing my head, or thanking me over and over again or screaming to come look at Santa’s note- that makes me. Today was so good. Even if we didn’t get to be with everyone, it was this whole and complete feeling that comes every so often in my life. The cheesecake, Chinese food and wine helped hahaha!
Today was a top day. I’ll never forget this day and these moments. These are the times that everyone talks about. The absolute perfect ages- where the magic of Christmas runs wild through them. They are close enough in age where they both believe sooo much with all their little hearts that they can’t contain the happiness. My little innocent and mature (not Hudsie because hi terrible cranky 3’s) babies. You ever eat something soooo good you just don’t it to end?! That was kind of like today. Go slow mama. Enjoy those moments and try to find the silver lining. Moments are going to suck, but those sunny moments, those are the ones that are going to outshine the rest and make you see clearer. Make you see why you are here. We just need to slow the f down and clear out the chaos and baggage to see it.
I’m laying in bed now (in a face mask looking like the real deal tired mama) and just reflecting and crying about how good life is right now. It’s not always good, but God today is so so good and I am thankful for that. I want to hold onto these and put them in a box so I can relive them/ why I take so many pictures and videos. God is good. Santa is magical. Covid Christmas is weird and marriage with 2 kids is so hard but I needed this day to restore my soul and heart. I’ll never forget this perfect day of Christmas magic, half naked and high on sugar, excited, thankful, grateful babies and the best food, no anxiety, easy, relaxing day- and a husband who can put together everything perfectly.
Here’s to 2021.