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Second face

I’d like to think I’m wise enough to have had a good amount of experiences and people cross my path that really get me and see my soul. I can count those true people that know me and understand ME to my core and sadly, a few of them I don’t talk to anymore. Three people to be exact. Those three people will always be etched in my soul because they got me and loved me in all my glory, besides God of course. And no this doesn’t just mean old boyfriends. Then I have a few others that I know will never ever judge me no matter what. Those few that God sprinkled into my life are my angels. They are my true soul friends and I will be forever grateful. I really believe God puts many people, second faces and all, in our path to make us understand more about who WE are and what kind of tribe we want. I know the kind of person I want to be remembered as and I know my heart. I know that sometimes I get hooked in with the “mean girl” crowd and I’m definitely guilty of gossiping- because hi, society warps us in some sort of sick way. But I am kind and empathetic and will do anything for you. I love hard and I love with all my heart and soul. But gossiping and “culting?” That’s how people flock together and become social now- they talk shit and judge and gossip and say mean things behind peoples back. Or people, people we think like us or at least respect us, are just plain rude. We are entitled to feelings but we aren’t entitled to treat others like shit just because you are struggling or are insecure. How difficult is it to just be kind? We teach kids of this generation to be kind and respect others, even if they don’t respect us. But we need to do a better job because I swear some adults are just nasty and I’m seeing kids become assholes by the minute. Sorry, but it’s true.

I never had thick skin and most people probably think I still don’t have thick skin. I’m sure peoples first impression of me are- nice, annoying, shy but extroverted, anxious, spaz, energetic, maybe mean sometimes, not good at teaching/ doesn’t do anything, etc. I’ve heard it all. I’ve even been made fun of for the way I dressed. A few years ago I would have cried and shut down. Now that I have kids and a lot on my plate I could care less what people think. I’m hate saying hi to someone to have them give you the death stare and walk right by. Or if I’m driving and let someone to and they can’t just wave to say thanks, amiright?! Sounds so stupid in the big picture but come on people.

What I can’t stand is the second faces we all somehow get in our lifetime because we have learned that’s how to be accepted, especially in schools, social media and the workplace. I won’t tolerate anymore and I’m frightened for my own kids to either become mean or get bullied. As a society, we need to do a better job and keeping our first face and be respectful to everyone who comes across our path. And if we are moody and feeling defeated or an unpleasant feeling, set the boundary, tell your tribe and accept the damn support. We all have a million trillion perspectives about what respect and kindness might look like. We all wired differently of course but last time I checked, God didn’t wire us as assholes. That is all learned. We also alllll have a different threshold for how people act towards us and it’s all okay. We all have different feelings and some people are going through the big feelings. But how freaking hard is it to be kind? To be who you really are. If you’re ugly inside, fine. Your true colors will eat you up soon enough, but you’ll hurt some solid people along the way. You’ll be the lesson in their path someday.

I wish I didn’t care what people think of me and I really wish I didn’t care so much how people feel. I wish I didn’t love so hard and feel every single feeling to the full extent, but I can’t help it. I’m just not made that way. I feel for others, even when I shouldn’t, and I would like to think that eventually this trait will stop being my downfall. Caring is a good trait to have, but it hurts me too often. So this topic of these “second face people” trying to fit in and dulling other peoples’ sparkle just to make them shine brighter or feel better about themselves? No thanks.

If you feel like you have to adopt a second face to fit in, get the fuck out. be mindful that everyone is fighting a battle and just because you can’t see their soul doesn’t mean they can’t get hurt or feel. We are all guilty- although I’m convinced most men don’t gossip as much as women and I’m pretty sure most of them keep their first race and are who they are because it’s too much effort not to be. I was for sure mean back in the day- not as mean as they come, but I remember telling Jen Lamb to give me her snack or I would tell and this was in kindergarten. I also remember telling secrets to people in high school. I was also bullied so so much and it scarred me. As an adult, I have overheard people talking shit and putting others down, including me. Just remember, blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine any brighter.

“Pay close attention to the people who don’t clap when you win.”

Thank you God for placing every single person in my path. Everyone is a lesson. Love yourself enough that it doesn’t matter what people say or do. I’m still trying.

Disclaimer- this isn’t because I’m sad that people are mean to me. This is a culmination of events that I’ve encountered in my own life and on the side line of others.

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