I broke down in yoga class today. Full out cried my eyes out when Audra Day’s Rise Up played (and my Hiit family knows I always break down to this.) I’ve been jamming out to life and feeling great lately. You know- that famous groove where everything seems to be going right. I finally decided I was done being a doormat in certain parts of my life- aka still practicing. I am setting up boundaries that are good for my soul and I’m done putting all my energy in trying to make sure everyone is okay. But damn, today I took down every wall, every boundary and I fell hard from all the things I had to do, the energy I had to exude and all those stupid expectations I had for myself and others- I like to call these rocks. I let people get to me and I felt like I literally was carrying the whole world on my shoulders. And honestly nothing major even happened. It was just the compound effect of all the things from above. I like to call these things the rocks that get in the way of the flow. The rocks that we can afford to move out of the damn way so we can breathe a little easier or sit down for once. And I’m not talking about the priorities or the things that make our souls happy. PS- Don’t tell someone they are doing too much and then try to convince them to drop the things they love. Those aren’t rocks.
I’m trying to take a different perspective when I break down or have a human moment because hi- we carry a lot. We are entitled to these feelings. And sometimes we just don’t want to talk to anyone or sometimes we want to talk to one person or go for a drive alone or just sit and not do anything. These are things that I rarely do and it can be debilitating. Why? The rocks. Some days I’m rockin it (no pun intended) and some days I need a minute. We do the laundry, the dishes, clean our house, make dinner, pack the snow gear, go to work, feel the feelings, pack the lunches, pack allllll the things, workout, etc. We do all the things and try to fit them in a day. I mean I sound like a robot because this is in every blog and most likely in everyone’s speech bubble. But it’s so important to realize how we carry so many rocks with us day after day after month…. What can we move? What rocks are in our way today? One day at a time. Can we let go of the laundry, the workout? Maybe I shouldn’t bring up the workout because if you know me at all, I like to think of my body as a machine and the runs I do- they are my fuel. I can’t live without the running. It just works. It’s not a rock. But is there something we can let go of just for today? Just so we can get through because at the end of the day, sometimes our goal is just to survive the day and that’s okay. Doesn’t make us a bad mom or person or depressed or selfish. Makes us human.
Tonight at hot hoga I was full on belly crying during a bridge. I was on the verge after workout so I actually told the instructor “jokingly” that I might break down. And it felt so damn good. I didn’t care what people thought. I didn’t have people asking if I was okay. I didn’t have to lock myself in my bathroom or hide or answer to anyone. I didn’t have to pretend I was fine. I didn’t have to kids crawling all over me or my little empath cry with me. I had been going from 515am til now and I knew in my heart it was going to be a long day. I prepped myself so much for the long day- teach China, run, go to work and try not to let it eat you up whole, Hudson had his prek screening, meetings, pick up Hudson, do homework, email parents, make lunches for tomorrow, yoga, bedtime. Was some of it my fault? Yes. Am I half marathon training? Yes. Is it a little more hectic than usual? Yes. My Gramps used to always say, “Inch by inch, anything’s a cinch.” Corny? Yeah, but so true to take with you on these jam packed days like today. I kept chanting this mantra throughout the day. There were triggers/ rocks all day long and I’ve been dodging them forever, but today I just couldn’t anymore.
We work tirelessly day in and day out. We know we work hard. We know we sometimes do it to ourselves. We know we often feel overworked. We know expectations will kill us. We know we are going to come across the rocks- some will be priorities and that’s okay. But some will be so bit and we need to know how to recognize that. Today I failed. Maybe the laundry can wait. Maybe the yoga can be on a different day (my schedule is soooo hard to coordinate with a firefighter husband and my parents don’t live close), but you get the idea. Maybe we ask for help. Maybe we don’t need to be perfect. Maybe we are allowed to sit in our car for lunch alone and cry and then go back to work and be the way everyone expects. Maybe that’s okay.
So when I was laying on my mat crying releasing the day and all the expectations I had for myself and other people, I knew in that moment it was time to clear the goddamn rocks, even if just for today. I overdid it and that’s okay. But I’m liking this perspective because it’s sustainable. I am realizing that the release is just as important as moving the rocks. For me, the running is the release that sets the tone for the day. Tonight, yoga was the release I didn’t know I need but I felt it coming. Reset. Learn. Grace.
What are your rocks? What can you afford to move? What’s your release? What’s good for your soul?
Let’s start letting go of ALL the expectations we have for ourselves and others. Let’s take it inch by inch. We can only do so much and if we want to do it well, we sometimes need to let go of other things. Stop and breathe. It’s okay to take a break. We got this.
Disclaimer- Blogging helps me get out of my rut and makes me feel like I have a purpose. It is also a great way to put a positive spin on my life. When I feel big feelings, which happens quite frequently, my first thought is that I can’t wait to blog about this because maybe someone else feels like this. I receive the most beautiful comments in here and they fill my bucket more than you know. So thank you tribe, followers, and all you big feelings people.