As I write this letter to you, I am giving you all my emotions, all my love, all my feelings and all my heart. I don’t expect you to read this at six years old, nor do I expect you to understand. But I do hope that one day you can read this and feel what I feel because my love is so big for you, it actually hurts sometimes.
Your feelings, like mine are so big and that’s what makes you YOU. Some days I feel so terrible that you have such big feelings like me because I struggle, but some days I feel like it’s our superpower and I’m proud of our big hearts. You feel with your whole heart. You think with your whole heart. You talk with your whole heart. You do with your whole heart. And it’s all okay. I know mommy can sometimes feel defeated and look sad but that’s because I feel with my whole heart too. I see you over there feeling my feelings. My sweet empathetic beautiful soul.
This world is big and overwhelming and can sometimes swallow you whole. It can be hard to navigate our feelings because when God gives you a big heart and big feelings it’s sometimes hard to figure out where to put all those feelings. They overflow out of us and we can’t stop it. Sometimes mommy and daddy are stressed and we yell and you absorb it. Sometimes I cry because I am happy and you absorb that. Sometimes I yell because I’m angry and you absorb that. You internalize feelings and then it manifests into anxiety. That anxiety spot we talk about at night- you know, the one who sometimes sneaks up on us and steals our peace and joy? It can sneak up on us and then we become overwhelmed with emotions. They spill out of us like a waterfall. We are learning together, but sometimes my heart breaks because I can’t help you. I, too, feel overwhelmed but since I’m an adult and have had a lot of practice, it can be easier for me to manage those feelings. You are a big six year old, which breaks and makes my heart all at the same time because you’re no longer my baby. You experience worry that I wish you didn’t have to experience. You experience friends making fun of you and feelings of sadness. I can’t expect you to manage those big emotions all alone and neither can anyone else. I am so sorry for all the times I expected you to “act normal,” or expected you to manage your emotions like an adult. I’m sorry that I can’t always help you. I’m sorry if I sound like a mean mom. And if you’re reading this and it seems harsh, it’s because it is. I’m human. I’m a mom. I’m tired and overworked and overwhelmed. I have a big heart and feel it all. I over think and overanalyze just about everything. What I want you to know is that it’s okay to feel inadequate. It’s okay to feel with all your heart and I promise someday your heart will feel peace and not overwhelmed. I will help you get there and I will never give up on you. I see YOU. I see your shining heart and the way you want to make everyone around you laugh. I see how you want everything to be perfect because you don’t want to disappoint. I see how you want everyone to accept you and love you as you are. I see how kind you are and how want everyone to be happy. I see how much you love me with all your heart because you write me letters everyday to remind me. I see how you kiss me all the time. I see how you are biting your nails because you’re nervous or anxious about something in your heart. I see how you worry about everyone. I see how you get nervous to make friends. I see your feelings. I see how you see ME. I see how you read all my emotions and you just want me to be okay. I see how you cry if you see me cry. I see how much you love your Daddy and your brother. I hope you never stop seeing me and writing me love letters. I hope you never stop being you and you follow your own lead. I know right now you want to be like everyone else because being a 6 year old in a pandemic in a public school in a digital world ruled by youtube is hard. It’s a lot like being an adult in a pandemic with a full time job as a full time mom. It’s not even like it was when I grew up. I know right now it seems like a lot because you feel with every part of your body, but we can do this together. Please don’t let this world take a part of you. I need you in all of your glory and all of your feelings forever.
I love you baby girl. I know sometimes you are overwhelmed in this big world but I promise you and I are going to be okay. I know that your overwhelmed feelings sometimes overwhelm me and make me worry, but it’s only because I understand you. You are my soulmate and God chose me to be your mama. I will not disappoint you. I know I have already a few times and for that I am sorry. I want you to remember that we are human and we will make mistakes and it’s okay. We can have love and grace for ourselves. I love you just as you are. My Juliana Marie. We got this.