I wish I didn’t care so much

I wish I didn’t care so much about what everyone thought and how everybody felt. I always just want everyone to be OK and not get so stressed. Maybe it has to do with the fact that sometimes I feel stressed or out of control and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way. But I do know that I’ve learned within the past couple years especially after having kids that we can only do what we can do. Way easier said than done, I know. I think I need that reminder and motto so much in my life, especially now. I’m not trying to put women in this category specifically (because you should meet my husband), but I will say I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so overwhelmed, spread thin and pressured to get everything done. I get that I’m a mom and I chose this life blah blah blah, but damn, the workload these days are so heavy. What ever happened to just playing with our kids and being in the moment more? Or moms being able to get more than freaking 6 weeks off for pushing a baby out of her vagina/ nursing your whole milk supply to tiny humans- I actually loved this part, just wish I could have savored it more and had more time.

Really thought, how in Gods name are we supposed to manage ourselves, practice self care, manage our families and their emotions, hold a full time job, make sure your kids are okay in school and feeling happy and safe, make as much money as possible just to make ends meet, schedule doctors appointments, make sure the kids are safe, make sure you brush your hair (haha so true right) and schedule in some type of fun or downtime?

I struggle with managing this a lot lately. I struggle with managing anything anymore. At 36 years old I am feeling burnt out, unsupported (but that’s on me), overwhelmed and unmotivated. I feel like I’ve lost my passion because I’m trying to multitask everything else in my life. And let me tell you, when these feelings creep in I have to shove them back in my heart, especially when others in your family or tribe struggle with anxiety or these same feelings because we have to be strong for everyone, or at least we feel this way. Maybe it’s the after effects of the everlasting pandemic. Maybe it’s my own fault for feeling this way because I’m an empath and overly sensitive. I internalize everyone else’s emotions and I want everyone else to not feel the way I do when I’m overwhelmed. But again, I can’t face these feelings well because my plate is full. Why don’t you let something go? Why don’t you take some things off your plate? Do you really have to run everyday? Well sure, of course I do because if I didn’t run I would feel more out of control than I typically do. Running is predictable and helps me reset and feel grounded. You don’t have to understand. I’ve learned that we don’t have to understand the things that make people happy or feel out of control or any feeling. We just have to listen and cheer them on. Remember we aren’t alone as we all try to navigate this hectic and busy world.

I have learned that you can’t possibly get everything done, in fact it’s unhealthy to create 50 page to do lists and schedule everything in one day, even in one week. We are human and we can only do what we can physically and emotionally. Some days that’s more than other days. And that’s enough. It’s okay to miss gymnastics. It’s okay to skip a run. It’s okay to just breathe. It’s also okay to cry or lean on your friends. It’s okay to call out and lay in bed and binge watch Full House or Kardashian’s. Don’t diss Stephanie Tanner. We are human beings filled with real emotions and in today’s society we are overworked and expected to do more than is humanly possible. I am trying so so hard to remember that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to control everything. I don’t need to get everything done right away. I don’t need to know everything. And if you know me and my type A personality, you know these things are hard.

I do realize I have to stop having those expectations for just myself and train myself to just step back and chill. I wish I was more lax in that sense of allowing myself to just be and accept what I can give. Our minds are on autopilot and constantly thinking about the next thing because of today’s way of life: rushing around… everywhere all the time especially with kids. Afraid to be late. Afraid to forget something. Afraid to miss a beat.

I will end with this. Maybe it’s quarter life crisis talk but why is it that we all have to work our asses off in these rigid hours of the day just to come back home exhausted? We all work to retire and by the time we retire we are too tired and old to enjoy it. Great times. Why do we feel compelled to push our feelings and perceptions away before we explode?

Fortunately, we have been privileged to still have patient loved ones who we instinctively befriend, seeking the mechanism of attaining patience. So thank you to my tribe for allowing me to vent and feel my feelings all the way through. Thank you for grounding me and calming me down because those that know me know I have lotssssss of feelings! Thank you for teaching me that I don’t have to get everything done and that sometimes the worlds expectations for us are just too much. Thank you for teaching me that I don’t have to KNOW or control everything either. I will eventually accept this.

I have also learned that it’s never worth losing our patience over things (aspirations or emotions) that are out of our control at the moment. Everything that’s worth it will definitely take its time, but how long it takes doesn’t really matter as it is always worth it. We are human and we are superheroes! What we give is always enough.

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