It’s 630am on Saturday morning. I have slept a total of 2 hours and 26 minutes (thank you Fitbit) because Hudsons gums are bleeding and teeth are ripping through. Juliana has been sleeping amazing, but of course when I fall back asleep at 6, she wakes up. I’m up from 2-6 cursing my husband up and down while he sleeps comfortably hugging a pillow. I have a human attached to my boob, and while I never want this phase to end, I am so effing tired.
Some days, like this very moment, I often wonder how the hell I can do this. And when you are so effing tired you literally hate everything and everyone.
We don’t really have a lot of help with the kids and Howie is always working or doing something. He can’t ever just be – be in the moment, be with us and not worry, relax… it’s always something.
Mothers usually are the caregivers, but when you are sleep deprived nothing makes sense and everything sucks. Yes I have two healthy babies who I love so much, but I wanna curl up and cry and go to sleep for 12 hours. Okay fine, just four hours at once. This broken sleep sucks. And maybe a massage would be nice. Or a- hey, I got this. Go out for a few hours and get your hair done and go to target alone. Don’t get anxiety and don’t rush back. I got this.
This particular morning is sooooo hard. Jules is screaming so loud trying to make herself puke and Hudson just fell asleep but is now awake because of her piercing screams. She’s 2.5 going on 17. Now he’s nursing so I can’t get up and Howie’s at work. Plus, we fought all night about stupid petty things. I’m such a bitch when I don’t sleep. It’s not a competition dude. We are on the same team. Like I said, sometimes a mom just wants to curl up and cry and have someone take care of her. Like when you’re pregnant and everyone and their mother wants to help you and cater to you. Then the baby is born and mama gives gives and gives, but her tank is empty.
Seriously though, we are goddamn warriors. From literally pushing our babies out or being cut open, to working around the clock on little to no sleep, trying to manage our husbands, etc. I won’t keep going with it. Just venting and wanting to actually drink an extra large caffeinated coffee with 8 shots of vodka and a fucking box of munchkins. #wishidrankcaffeine