The Last Time

I feel like I’m reaching a new phase in my life and I’m not sure I like it here. It’s that weird phase where your babies start to turn to big kids, where both kids will be in a school- with kids who might try to steal their innocence and teach them bad things, where they start to find themselves and smell bad. I know I still have some time but I don’t like this feeling of saying goodbye to all the last times.

Being a mama tugs at the soul like you’ve never experienced. We may long for the person we were before with all the freedom and what seemed like all the time in the world. Time flowed into the next day with ease and we weren’t suffocating in the big feelings from these little people. And now days, months, years go by so fast that all days feel similar but your babies keep changing and you’re reminded that there is a last time for everything. I feel like I have to say goodbye to all the last times. The last time we can rock them, nurse them, snuggle them, carry them, give them baths, sing them to sleep, dance with them, feed them, hold their hands, and so much more. The hardest part? You will never know when it’s the last time.

This feeling feels like I’m a bird mama and I’m about to watch my babies fly away. Like they don’t need me anymore. And as moms we are soooo needed all the time, especially when they are so little. They truly can’t live without us. We carry them for 9 months and they rely on us for years after, but the independence and the realization that they don’t actually need us all the time starts to take over gradually. Although it’s not gradual to me- it all comes at once and my 5 year old already feels like she’s flying away from me.

As mamas, are so tired from being needed when they are little because they soul suck us dry- and then all of a sudden it feels like it all happens at once and maybe I’m writing this too early but I feel it coming all too quick. Maybe it’s today’s generation or the fact that the “other kids” are big kids and she can order her own hot lunch, but what the heck?! This motherhood business is like a goddamn rollercoaster. It’s like there is no balance- it’s either too much or too little. It’s too exhausting and you’re so annoyed, but then you finally have a night out and you miss them. It’s crying because you are sleep deprived praying they will finally sleep in their own beds and leave you alone at the wee hours of then night to then missing them wanting you so much. And those fun ages? It feels too short. I need to hold onto them needing and wanting me. I need to hold on to them thinking I’m a real life superhero and even when I’m yelling or think I’m a horrible mom they love me sooo much. I need to hold onto bedtime snuggles and then crying because they don’t want to leave my bed, or holding my hand and my face and kissing me and telling me they love me all the time. Or them on top of my body sleeping on me because they miss me.

I know these moments of motherhood can be intense and exhausting and soul sucking and loving and joyous and exhilarating and tiring and create all the big feelings you never knew existed, but it’s a cruel and beautiful journey that creates an “out of body” experience making me feel like I’m looking at my life from the outside- and constantly fighting the war of the “last times.” And while we are living these moments (the good and the bad) and trying to hold on to all the them with all our hearts- even when you’re hiding in the bathroom crying because you need a minute alone, we have to remember that there are only so many of them and someday (quicker than we want) will we be crying for them all back… one last time.

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